"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joybecause of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:3-5
What does this passage suggest binds this friendship together? Are you bound to any friends like this?
What does this passage suggest is so fun about longterm friendships that our bound in this way? What do we get to see Christ do?
Today, my husband and I celebrate 14 years of marriage. We went on a date last night after we both put in a long day at work and Bill had trimmed a giant apple tree. In fact, for a few moments there, I was wondering if we were going to make it to year 14, the way that ladder was wobbling.
We drove our 183,000 mile mini-van to drop our four kids off at my brother's house and then went and shared a meal at Taco Bell, used some movie vouchers I got as a gift, and then had some ice cream....where Bill contemplated picking me some roses off the bushes at 31 flavors.
We're as poor as we were 14 years ago, but we're still married. We've fought and argued and yelled. We've kissed and made up. We've made it through surgeries and handicaps, moves and career changes. We've experienced sickness and poverty and all the things you promise to stay together through.
Do you know why we are still together? Because we are partners in the gospel. You were looking for a more romantic answer weren't you? I wish I had one. I mean, I love his gentleness and his soft eyes. I love that he picks me flowers. I wish I could say that I always greeted him at the door with a kiss when he came home and had a hot meal ready.....but those are ideals that just don't always happen around here.
The reason that we are still together is because we are bound together by our love for Christ, His desire for our marriage, and our belief that He will complete what He starts.
That is God's plan for relationships. They are for the long haul - no matter what, based on our partnership in the gospel....and then watching with anticipation for how God finishes the story.
My husband has developed a new hobby. I had been praying that he would find a way to unwind from his stressful job, and I really thought an occasional fishing trip would do the trick. Nope. That is not what God had in mind at all. He answered my prayer all right, but it took me quite some time to realize that it had come packaged in a way I least expected. It all started off innocently enough on the far side of our yard. One little 8ft x 8ft garden box full of rich black dirt and was easy enough to handle, or so I thought. What I didn’t realize was that the size and scope of the garden would grow in direct proportion to the pile of scrap landscape timbers on the opposite side of our home.
Each day, my husband would come home tired and worn out. He’d pat the dogs, kiss the kids, change his clothes, and disappear outside. Man, did that get me steamed! I’d been home all day (pregnant) with 3 young children and two dogs. Wasn’t I the one who needed some quiet time outside? Eventually, I got fed up and shoved the three children that could walk out the back door to be watched by their father, while he did whatever it was he was doing. He seemed ok with that, and I simply accepted the fact that children covered in dirt were better than children whining inside while I cooked dinner.
When I finally made it around the back side of the house, I was amazed that not one, but four garden boxes and an oddly shaped patch made out of leftover flowerbed edging were now planted with miscellaneous green surprises. I was turning green myself. Green with envy over the time my husband was spending in the dirt. That time could be much better put to work in the house helping with the mountain of chores that needed accomplished. The fact that the older children were joyfully as dirty as my husband did little to comfort my spirit of jealousy.
Not long after the garden began to produce its first harvest, I visited my husband at work. He had jokingly referred to his work area as the “dungeon”, but I thought he was kidding. God opened my eyes in a very real way that day. After 45 minutes in the dark, windowless room, illuminated only by the glow of computer screens filled with images and reports, I started to feel edgy. The nervousness that enveloped me was stifling. All I wanted to do was get outside and feel the sun. To imagine that my husband spends up to 14 hours a day down in that dark hole overwhelmed me. No wonder he ran outside as soon as he got home. God had used that brief encounter to truly humble my selfish spirit. My husband didn’t just want to go outside. He needed to go outside. The garden that was turning me into a jealous green monster was saving his sanity.
That evening, I halted the dinner preparations long enough to go outside and check out the garden while my husband went about his business. He, along with his three little assistants, proudly gave me the grand tour, and then plucked a bright yellow squash off of a plant. Then he pulled off another squash, and another, continuing until my arms were full of squash the color of summer sun. I raced inside and called my neighbor. I needed a good recipe, and quick! I wanted to serve those squash at dinner that night. The problem was that no one in my family had ever liked the squash I had cooked. My wonderful neighbor came through with a recipe for a squash casserole. The ingredients were all things I had on hand already.
As we sat down to share dinner that night, I proudly produced a steaming casserole dish, filled to the brim with bubbling squash, cheese, and toasted cracker crumbs. To everyone’s surprise, it was delicious.
In Isaiah 58:11, we are given a promise; “The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” The Lord had given my husband a literal garden to feed his soul as well as our family.
That summer, I learned how to cook squash and tomatoes at least a dozen different ways. Of course, they were even tastier since they came from my husband’s garden, the tasty answer to my prayer.
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The recipe on my food blog ( www.queenofbrusselsprouts.blogspot.com ) is a "healthier" adaptation of the one I made that first harvest. I hope you enjoy it!
“A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid woman is cancer in the bones.”
The Message
My heart is hurting this week from all the stories I have heard about struggling marriages. Now, I am no expert, I have only been married 2 years. Which makes it that much worse when I can recall 4 close friends of mine under the age of 24 that have already gotten a divorce. Two of those couples had children. Marriage is hard, but when I became a mom I realized just how hard it is to keep my marriage nourished. Children have immediate needs that have to be met. A baby cannot take care of herself! My first thought when I wake up is my daughter. Why? Because she is my alarm clock. Her voice is the first thing I hear! It’s so easy to forget my husband’s needs. I’m not talking about having dinner ready as soon as he gets home or doing his laundry (in fact, my husband does most of the cooking in my house). I’m talking about putting energy into being a wife above being a mom. Most of us wouldn’t even be moms without first being wives, so why do we let our marriage sit on the backburner many days?
A few days ago I asked Nate, my husband, what things do I do to meet his needs. He told me that I always listen fully when he talks. He said that when he’s really upset, he calls me because he knows that I can calm him down. He said that I make him laugh. Small things, but they mean a lot to him. Sometimes it is hard. Last week, Nate locked himself out of the house when I was out of town. So what did he do? He kicked down our door. When he first called to tell me, I was so mad since that is an expense we do not need. But I could tell that he was a lot more mad at himself than anything. So I bit my tongue and said that it could be worse than a broken door…he could have a broken head from a car accident and I would much rather replace the door. That made him laugh and he calmed down. I had to decide that this small battle was not worth arguing about.
I believe that strong marriages mean strong parents. We cannot always control what our husbands do to strengthen our marriage, but we can do our best to be the wife in Proverbs 12 that “invigorates her husband”. One of the most loving acts is praying for him. In the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian, there are 30 different areas of prayer that she leads women through. I will often ask Nate to look over the areas of prayer and ask him to pick 2 that he really wants me to pray through that week.
So, moms, I encourage you to be hearty in your marriage. Read Song of Solomon and remind yourself of the romance that was divinely inspired to be a part of Scripture! Give your husbands big greetings when they get home. When you are working with your kids on a fun, creative project, ask yourself what is a fun, creative thing you can do with your husband. This marriage is practice for when we are the bride of Christ! Let’s give it our very best.
Bestselling author Stormie Omartian inspires women to develop a deeper relationship with their husbands by praying for them. The Power of a Praying Wife---now with a fresh new cover design--- is packed with practical advice on praying for specific areas of a husband's life including his decision-making, fears, spiritual strength, role as father and leader, and his faith and future. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate the life illustrations, select Scripture verses, and the assurances of God's promises and power for their marriage.
"Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land." Proverbs 31:23
Now, why on earth would this verse be right in the middle of a passage on the Virtuous Woman? Does she have any control over whether or not her husband is respected?
Uh huh!
I bet I don't even have to tell you why. But just in case....how does word of anything get around town? Usually by the mouths of women...either on the phone, in person, in e-mails, or on the blog. I've learned the hard way, that I best count on anything I say about my husband being fit for the whole world to know.
Do the things I say about him to others, reflect that I love and respect him?
Extra credit: Ya, it is the same as last time. If you are really up to it, ask him what he thinks...and yep, have Kleenex on hand.
"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12
The meaning of "bring" hints at repaying. So we are to not only always bring good, but to repay good rather than evil ALL.THE.DAYS.OF.OUR.LIFE."
Wow! That means that when I'm not given good by him, I have to put my big girl panties on and be good anyway. My childrens' voices are echoing in my head. "That's not fair!"
I keep thinking how many times in marriage we get caught in the crazy cycle:
"I'll meet his love language when he meets mine!" All the while he is thinking, "I'll meet hers, when she meets mine."
"I'll show him respect, when he shows me some love." All the while he is thinking, "I'll show her love, when she shows me some respect."
"I'll be good to him, when he is good to me......
....and on and on it goes, until someone grows up and breaks the cycle.
Will it be you?
Do you have the guts? It isn't easy, because even if you have the guts, you can't brag about it....or you've defeated the whole purpose.
Any of you out there know what I'm talking about?
So today, ask God how you can do your husband good. I'm asking too!
"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Proverbs 31:11
Trust me, I know better than to start an exhaustive study on the Virtuous Woman right now, but I have been praying for a few verses to look at this week that will help us be better wives...love our husbands in their language.
This is the one God laid on my heart first. I don't have a lot to say really. It is more of a question for us to think over. Does my husband have full confidence in me? Is his heart/mind/understanding/courage able to fully rely on me, trust in me, and believe in me?
I'm going to spend some time today asking God to show me areas in my life that he may not be able to say that. I encourage you to do the same.
Extra credit: Isn't that a silly concept? O.K. the extra credit isn't by any means for me...or even for God. It is purely for your husband. If you're brave (and humble), ask your husband if there are areas where he has difficulty trusting you. Bring Kleenex.
This week's topic has generated some interesting discussion and great questions.I kind of feel like this submission topic is sometimes like peeling the layers of an onion. There are so many reasons why we may struggle, and sometimes it takes a while to get to the bottom of it.
It could be that:
We just don't like authority, but would rather be in control ourselves.
We just don't understand submission.
We just flat out don't respect our husband.
Today, I simply want to share with you some great books that have helped me love my husband more and also "love on" my husband more. Maybe one of them will strike a chord with you. I decided to not even go pouring over my bookshelves to look for them. I'm simply going by the ones that changed me enough to stick out in my memory.
P.S. I do like to read. :)
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, has to be one of the best books I ever bought. Let me tell you why. It is simple, yet profound. Stormie takes 30 topics that are major in a man's life and writes a chapter about them. The first time I went through it, I read the whole book. But this book has been the resource I pull out over and over again.
When my husband is struggling with a certain topic, I can pull out the book, look it up, and remind myself how to pray. Sometimes I just grab it, and look up the chapter for whatever day of the month it is and pray that prayer.
The biggest reason I love this book? Sometimes, especially when you have lots of little ones, your heart is just to exhausted to mentally form the prayers. You know you need to pray, but how? What? There is a certain comfort in those prayers where the spirit simply intercedes for you because you can't even put the words to it. But reading these prayers helps me engage my mind. It reminds me of the truth of God's word, and the truth of our situation. Stormie has written these prayer books for many relationships...she even wrote one for husbands to pray for their wives. Perhaps the pair would be a great valentine investment. :)
Building Your Mate's Self Esteem by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, was like a gift from heaven when it came my way. I found it for a quarter at a Thrift Store, and though, "Why not?" I had no idea, until I started reading it, how much I really needed it. God really opened my eyes to the different ways my husband struggled with self-esteem, and how so many of the things that he struggled with in life were related to that. I really was unaware. If you don't see yourself getting around to reading a book anytime soon, maybe the CD of the Focus on the Family Radio Broadcast will get your heart moving in the right direction.
Wow! Such a simple insight. A wife sees love as love. A husband sees love as respect. You don't respect him? He doesn't feel loved. Its pretty simple really.
I really had no idea how disrespectful I was to my husband before I read this book. I didn't realize the impact some of my words and actions had. It really kind of put the practical touches on how to show him honor and love him on his level. I learned to ask God to help me respect him, when I didn't always find it easy.
In the same way that Love & Respect help you understand the general love language of men, The Five Love Languages sheds further insight on how your specific man likes to be shown love - and how you like to be shown love.
I read this book earlier in our marriage. It actually helped me identify how out of touch I was with my own heart. What made me feel loved?
Bill and I discovered that each of our love languages were the one that was most difficult for the other to meet. Bill's love language is touch (not to be confused with sex). You know, like brushing his shoulders when you walk by or rubbing his head, giving lots of hugs, and reaching for his hand in the car. I'm a personal space kind of girl...not really into all that touching. When I first really started working on this (which I'm ashamed to say was several years after reading the book), I honestly had to discipline myself to touch him. Silly, I know. But it just isn't natural for me. It is becoming more natural, though, and it makes all the difference to him.
Knowing your own love language will help you help your husband love you as well. (I say that because I will not assume you can get your husband to read the book, too. If your house is like mine, I give regular book reports and highlight all the main points in a Cliff Notes style for my non-reader husband.) For instance, my love language is quality time. Usually for me, that means conversation. I am married to, perhaps the quietest man on the planet. He really doesn't like talking all that much. I have put him to sleep many times.
It is easy for our spouses to feel "unloved" simply because we are loving them our way, not their way. It can be a fairly simple adjustment once the light bulb comes on and you ask God for lots of help.
Daily Blessings for My Husband by Melody Carlson, has been another one of those worn out mama life savers! It again, has pages of pre-written blessings on a variety of topics. It is almost like having a greeting card store at your disposal. When you know you need to encourage him or apologize or bless him - but you honestly can't think of anything to say...find the right blessing and leave it open and marked on his pillow. Its never failed me yet.
Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, changed my life. I've often been surprised how many people are leery of the Boundaries books. I guess I was a bit too, until I read it. My "leeriness" was based on mis-assumptions. This book helps address many of the questions that are faced in manipulative and abusive relationships. It helps you stop and realize that if all your relationships seem to head the same direction, then maybe it says more about you than it does for everyone else. In a sense, you teach others how to treat you. You may think that sounds controlling, but really, this book helped me see how much I tried to control others by the misuse of boundaries.
If you are looking for an "out" to the whole submission thing, especially if you think your husband is one that God would make an exception for, this book is for you. But watch out! It isn't what you expect.
I've pretty much come to the conclusion that we all have boundaries. It is just a matter of whether or not we tell others what we are. Most of us are guilty of exploding when someone crosses our boundary. We just assumed they should know. We never actually told them.
It is really difficult to describe all the sludge this stirred up in my life, so you may need a dose of courage to crack it open. But I've never met someone that regretted it. Drs. Cloud and Townsend have many amazing books. This is just one.
Sex is important in marriage....and not just for the man. If you have some hangups in sex that may have to do with spiritual perception or past guilt, this is a great book.
Growing up in a strong Christian home, I knew that sex was supposed to be saved for marriage. I knew that God planned it that way, and I knew it was right. But what I didn't really understand was how beautiful and spiritual he intended it to be. Sex became a big "no, no!" in my mind, because it was forbidden. Unfortunately, I had some serious mental hang-ups when I got married because it is hard to turn off the "no, no!" switch. Sacred Sex opened my eyes to the beauty of sex from a spiritual viewpoint and helped me understand why God created it the way He did.
Hello, ladies! Despite giving the Neti Pot a try and dosing myself up good with vitamins and nighttime cold medicine, I'm still extremely miserable. Ugh!
So today, lets just keep working on memorizing this passage, and then I think the best thing to do would be just to spend some time in prayer. Ask God where you could do better in your marriage. Ask him how you could minister to him and do your part better.
I'll be back on Sunday with some great book recommendations. :)...but don't forget to check in tomorrow too, for another exciting announcement.
Memorizing: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:22-24
Okay, ladies. First of all, I am struggling with a terrible head cold, that my loving husband gifted me with this week. I just took a dose of nighttime cold medicine, so I'm going to try to make this fast. If you read this tomorrow, and it sounds like I was drunk, then that means I kept writing much longer than I should have.
...or you may just think that anyway because it perhaps would be an easier explanation than believing what I have to share. :)
A reader asked last night, in regards to submission, "What if your husband makes poor choices...?"
Oh, man! Does anyone else's husband make poor choices? Feel free to raise your hand because we can't see each other. We can just identify with each other in spirit and confess to God our disappointment and hurt. It is downright painful. Honestly, I'm wondering if I can really list anything more painful than being a woman of God that wants to see her family following the Lord, but feels like the head of the house is simply not able to lead. It is an awful feeling to feel trapped, almost like God put a cap on your potential, by asking you to submit to a husband that is leading your whole family in what seems to be a horrible direction.
There is so much I'd like to share tonight, and I'm sure we will get to much of it over time...but I feel myself getting woozy. But here are a couple of things I'll say really quick:
God takes care of the wife who obeys His Word, even when her husband does not.
We are not excused to throw out this passage, when our husbands throw out others.
Our goal cannot be to "fix" our family - because, again, we can only do our part. We can't do God's part, and we can't do our husband's part.
Our goal can not be about making life "work" here. Our goal has to be to be who God wants us to be here, whether life works or not - because we are living for eternity.
No matter how irrational God's plan seems, there isn't a better one. There really isn't a different way to do it and get better results.
I wish I had a couple of hours to just sit with everyone of you hurting over something like this tonight. I'd love to enjoy some coffee with you (or some Theraflu, LOL!) I'd love to pray with you and share with you, because I've been there.
...and because I've been there, I know God is faithful.
I really am praying for you, and if you want me to include your name in my prayers, shoot me an e-mail at thosewithyoung@roadrunner.com.
How is your week going? Have you struggled with this topic? Has it been hard?
True story: My husband and I had some intense moments of "fellowship" around here last night. Do you know what he had the audacity to bring up? It had something to do with his wife's lack of respect.
Now aren't you glad you stopped by here for some insight on the topic? Blush.
I'm pulling for you! Will you pull for me too?
"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:24
What do we submit in? How does the church submit to Christ? Do we pick areas to submit and leave some out? Does Christ become less of the boss if we decide that we don't like what He asks?
IN THE SAME WAY, we should submit to our husbands.
Really?
Everything?
Now, it is true. This verse can be dangerous if pulled out and made the law without any of the surrounding passages. This verse doesn't speak of the husband's responsibilities. It speaks of ours.
We can only do our part, and we will only be held accountable for our own actions. So we're just gonna keep working on us!
I'm praying for you today. Please pray for me....please?
Memorizing: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior" Ephesians 5:22-23
On a much lighter note, our first mom sent in some photos last night of their Valentine's project. So fun? Hope to hear from YOU!
"...Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:23b
Yes, I realize I'm skipping parts...well, I won't really "skip" them, but we are putting them on temporary hold.
Sometimes I stand back in amazement of the way God can transform a heart, ya know? I can't even believe how much the perspective in my heart has changed in the last two or three years in regards to authority and submission.
I don't know if this applies to you or not, but perhaps one of the biggest scars that need healing on the hearts of women are the result of the misuse of authority in their life. It is the scar of people creating more rules for God that confuses a heart between what is true and what is not. It is the scar of manipulation that causes a freedom seeker to resist any authority at all and the submissive one to pick their own captivities.
As I was thinking over this passage today, I was thinking about how women don't really struggle with submitting to our husbands as much as we just struggle with submission in general. So many problems in the church start with women.They start with our tongues, our manipulation, our need for control, our petty jealousies, and our emotional hyper-sensitivities.
Why? There is probably more than one reason. But so much of the time, it boils down to the fact that we make church about "me." We forget who is in charge and who's church it is. We forget who's kingdom is being built. We forget HE is the Savior. I mean, after all, could the church go on if it weren't for all we do for it?
With the kids: Consider, as we dig into these verses, making a diagram for your kids. Maybe you can tack it up to the wall for a few days. It can be really simple. You can start with this simple concept today. Who is on top? Christ. Who is under Christ? The church.
Memorizing: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Ephesians 5:22
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Ephesians 5:22
You knew it was coming, didn't you. Sooner a later on a Christian womens' website, you are going to hear the "S" word.
Many of us have started our Valentine's projects to do with our families over the next couple of weeks. I've been praying about what the Lord wanted us moms to look at this week. Guess what? This is it! Aren't you excited. I know I am. (eye roll)
Really, though. God's Word is always good. It is always perfect. It is our job to adjust.
As I meditated on this verse, you want to know what hit me?
So often we focus on the first part of the verse: Wives, submit to your husbands. But often we neglect to see the importance of the second part of the verse: as to the Lord
If we aren't submitted to the Lord, then what basis do we have to submit to our husband?
Listen. Trust me. You are hearing from one of the strongest-willed women you may ever meet. Boy, has God had to do a lot of taming and training of this heart, and I know He is by far from done.
But what I also know, is that as I lay my heart before the Lord and remind myself who is boss, it is easier and easier to put other people and their needs/desires first. Why? because I'm doing it as to the Lord....who I've already determined to lay everything aside for.
There is no way on God's green earth, that any one of us women can truly understand our desire to submit to our husbands, if we haven't submitted our hearts to the Lord first.
So today....just for today...don't worry about being a submissive wife. Today, consider evaluating your submission to the Lord. It is far more serious, and the only place we can start.
I'm praying for you today....'cause it might be a hard one - and it is a critical one.
