It's Sunday. The day I attempt to share with you something personal in my journey of Motherhood that might relate to what others are going through...the day I dig deep in my heart....the day I look forward to sharing the most - and the day I often dread the most. It requires so much energy from me to share so deeply. Yet, it is my commitment to the Lord to be transparent with others about my journey and my struggles and my commitment to you (the reader) to share something that is heartfelt and real.
Today, I'm sitting at Calypso's Coffee, in downtown Coeur d'Alene. I have been kicked out of the house! Why? Because God spoke to my husband and I separately this week and told us the same thing. I had heard God speaking to me all week, but I tend to file away things I hear sometimes. Why? I don't know. I tend to live in enough of a "victim" complex that I often feel I don't have permission to act on God's requests because there is always "something" holding me back.
Let me see if I can explain that a bit better.
When I graduated from high school, I went shopping. I'd been given quite a few monetary gifts, and I had a list of things I needed to be set for my journey. You know that I bought? A file cabinet. For real. I've bought a couple more sense then. I need things filed away and organized.
However, I realized about a year ago that I NEVER look for anything in my file cabinet! I have a new form of information searching now, it is called GOOGLE! I can find anything I want in seconds. Why store an entire tree in drawers in the corner of my house!?
So, I began viscously weeding 1/2 a drawer in 10 minutes. I found a very interesting file. It was labeled "Passions". I expected to find it full of articles on Passions, but it was not as I thought. I don't even remember starting this file. I don't remember putting any of the contents in it. It must have been started during darker days of motherhood, based on its contents. It contained an article about a crisis nursery, the first children's story I ever wrote, and a pamphlet for Wycliffe.
I found it very interesting that somehow, sometime, I had started filing away my dreams. It was a file of the things I would do, if I could do anything: write, minister to moms in crisis, and Scripture translation. Very interesting.
So, you guessed it! I left that file alone.
This week I heard something on a very secular show that has made me think intensely all week. "You don't need an invitation to your own life."
As a mom, I've continually struggled through stages where the demands on me to care for others are really so intense, that there isn't time for me. But, I'm afraid, that far too often, I've decided to wait for an invitation to rejoin life.....like I don't have permission to follow God's call on me until someone else gives the o.k. Ever been there?
Now please don't misunderstand, motherhood IS a calling....a beautiful, intense, and deep calling. But before any of us were called to be a mom, we were called to be a daughter of God - to bring Him glory with our life. For some, that involves being a mom, for a season. For some, it doesn't. I know I'm not alone in my struggle of thinking that I had to lay down my first calling on my life to be a mom. I hear the struggles from so many of you, so I know I'm not alone.
The truth is, God called me to be an ambassador for Him. He has given me a message to share. He has gifted me in ways He hasn't gifted others, and He has NOT gifted me in ways that He HAS gifted others.
Over six years ago, I began to sit down and write. I knew that God had given me a message for moms about building their relationship with God in the difficult, intense years of motherhood. As He gave me a message, I began to write it down. It was my own sanity in getting through those intense years. He shepherded my heart as a mom - and I wrote it down to share with others.
Writing a book with four small children is not easy. In fact, it is DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE....which is why six years later I'm still in process. However, my children aren't really my only hold-back.
You see, I've been waiting for an invitation to my life. Now the quote on that T.V. show wasn't totally accurate. As a daughter of God, we HAVE been given an invitation. God has already invited me to be a part of His kingdom work - and even given me an assignment to do. What I've been guilty of, is waiting on others to send invitations too. I've been waiting for that "stamp of approval" from others to confirm my invitation and to open doors.
This week, God told me that I was looking for the wrong doors. He confirmed it by a conversation with a friend. Then He pointed out a door that He'd been opening, and I hadn't noticed. At the end of the week, God told my husband that I needed to go through that door - and SOON! I was blown away! It has been a long time since God has spoken to Bill and I separately with the same message - and I'm not sure it ever has involved my calling...usually his.
There is so much more to this story. But today, I got kicked out of the house. It is me, my laptop, and my printed manuscript sitting at a coffee house. I'm editing. I'm getting serious about a book proposal, and I'm letting God's invitation be enough.
How about you?
"I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" Psalm 57:2 Amplified
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