My addictions to busyness, perfectionism, and accomplishment were being revealed. I didn't see it yet, but the Lord was lovingly exposing them. He was exposing them by removing anything to be busy with...or anything to really accomplish. It would be a long time, however, before they were exposed enough for me to see them.
Just when I thought I couldn't take the boredom and perceived uselessness any longer, I found myself in the hospital emergency room. I was contracting consistently and dilating, but I was only 32 weeks. So guess what the prescription was? Bed rest.
Are you kidding me?
Just a few months before, I had a home town where I knew my way around, my family just a few miles a way, a job I enjoyed and felt a lot of accomplishment from, my own car, and lots of friends. Now I laid on my left side all day until I moved to the bed at night, taking medication that made me shake all over and not able to sleep well.I no longer had to wait for Bill to come home with the car, because I couldn't even go anywhere when he came home.
God was removing my addictions cold turkey and exposing the misery in my soul - misery that couldn't be cured by activity and accomplishment, but it could certainly be hidden and delayed.
Day after day I laid there and day after day He offered to pour into me. I read parenting books, watched t.v., and embroidered baby bibs. I also read my Bible, talked to God, and memorized Scripture.
I was in the place He knew I needed to be to hear from him. I had been there before. I had been there when I my parents moved us from Texas to Miami, Florida right after I gave Jesus my heart and began a journey in homeschooling and a new culture. I had been there when I left all that I knew as a Miami teenager and moved to North Idaho with my parents. I had been there on lonely nights when my friends were out doing things I wasn't allowed to do, or out on dates while I sat home alone.
The Lord and I had a history. He knew I needed to be on a short leash. I was prone to look for all kinds of things that would fill the hole in my heart. I didn't just have an empty place. I had a hole that needed plugged, so that all God poured into me wouldn't just drain out the bottom. He would call me aside during my times of loneliness. He would plug the hole, and He would pour into me. Then I would get busy with events and activities and accomplishments, and that plug would just pop right back out. I couldn't get enough praise or affirmation. I was never good enough for myself. There was such a hole in my heart.
So again, out of His mercy, God gave me another dose of leash tightening. He did it because He loved me. He could have just let me wander and keep looking for things I could do to make myself feel better about this new life. But instead he grounded me - to an antique green couch in a sunny Arizona apartment. He again plugged up the hole in my heart and poured into me. It was miserable at the time, but it would set a tone for the rest of my journey as a mom.
What about you? What are your addictions? Do you have a hole (or holes) in your heart? What has God done to take you aside and work on plugging up your holes?
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