I'm a lucky girl!....Well, okay...blessed! :D
God gave me the best of both worlds in my parents. There was my mom, who brought with her a rich heritage of faith and the passion to raise her kids in the ways of the Lord. There was my dad, who brought with him a fresh faith and understanding of God's grace and passion for all people. Just like most amazing couples, my parents were complete opposites. My family wasn't perfect...just like yours and mine. But I was blessed with the benefits of what both my mom and dad had to offer.
Jesus captured my heart at a young age. I followed Him with child-like innocence when I was really young....and then my eyes were opened to other options. I realized that their really was a choice, and I needed to decide what side I was on. I was almost eleven. I gave Him my whole heart.
I was a fairly lonely girl most of my younger years. I was really shy, a bit awkward. I lived in my imagination...because I had a big one. I could make anything happen in my head. I was born to write novels, I guess.
I discovered early on that there was someone who always wanted to listen to me. He was always there, no matter how many times I moved. No matter how many parties I didn't get invited to, He always wanted to be with me. When I felt like no one understood - He did! When I was tempted to pursue the things that would have made me more popular and "loved" by my peers, He chased after me...forgave and restored.
Jesus had truly become my best friend. He would be there through thick and thin, and I'm so grateful I found that out so young.
As an older teenager, I really struggled to find encouragement in my walk with God. I was a part of a church, but it seemed we only ever talked about four things: dating, drinking, drugs, and sex...which really is two things dating/sex and drugs/drinking. No one ever talked about a God who loved us so intensely that He would do anything for us. No one ever talked about our willingness to do ANYTHING for Him..to obey no matter what...to follow no matter what. It was more about what we could get by with and be okay, rather than pursuing Christ so intently that the distractions solved themselves.
In my seeking for someone who seemed to take God more seriously than the average church attender I knew, I found a new group of people who were very serious about God. Very serious.
I quickly "matured" into a very legalistic Christian. Don't get me wrong, I still loved Jesus more than anything, but I was beginning to forget that what Jesus wanted most of all was just me. I began to be burdened by the lists that others had compiled of what it took to make Jesus happy. It was long, and it was burdensome. In fact, it wore me plumb out!
At age 21, I found myself completely depressed and not knowing how to go on with life. I was burned out and very confused. God had been surrounding me with me people that understood having a real relationship with Christ. They were changing everything I thought about my list of rules and regulations, and I didn't know what to do with the path I was going down. After almost a complete breakdown, I laid it all out before the Lord. I wanted HIM. That is what I wanted. It is what I always had wanted. I felt I needed to start over in a sense, but didn't know what to throw out and what to keep.
I mean, not many girls have been taught to study Hebrew and Greek in junior high... or have memorized chapters and chapters of God's Word. There were some wonderful things stored up in my heart, and they weren't all bad. But now began the sifting process....a process I must admit, that is still in progress today.
This is the girl that entered motherhood three years later....still sifting through what to keep and what to throw away, still wanting Jesus more than anything, still thinking she had much more together than she did, still afraid of making mistakes, still afraid of anyone thinking "less" of me.
I was an internal mess...an internal mess that loved Jesus and wanted more of Him.
What about you?
Who were you when you entered motherhood? Where were you in your journey with the Lord? Were you in the middle of a tangled journey? Was He still waiting to capture your heart?
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