When He Speaks My Name

Wow! I feel like a little reconnecting is in order! Knowing how busy life was going to be for me over the last couple of weeks, I tried to schedule most of the posts way in advance. The Those With Young Advisory Panel has had a lot going on (individually). Kim and Kendra both have had deaths in the family. Kristine is getting ready to have baby #6. Sharise has had a very sick baby. Angela (that's me) had a wedding in the family and a week away because of it. Everyone has been busy with spring breaks and Easter.

I have to admit that I've often been so tired lately that I just didn't have enough heart or brain power to write. But when I don't write, my heart and brain grow even more tired. It is a vicious cycle. Do you have a passion like that....something that just feeds your soul? Those passions are important to moms. We all need those things that we can pour ourselves into - knowing we are fulfilling a calling and using the gifts that God has given us, while we struggle our way through days where we are not always appreciated for our tireless efforts of nose wiping, fight settling, and dish washing.

On top of the fatigue, I had some hard blows this week that honestly got me really discouraged. There are some hopes and dreams I've had for a long time that have been dashed over and over again. So many times I've felt that God was finally moving - that the time was coming, and over and over again, everything falls through and every door closes. This particular time really put me in a tail spin. My heart was sick.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

One of the things I struggle with is doubting my calling. When I feel the doors never open - that they only close, I wonder....did God really even call me to this, or have I just lost my mind? I know there are seasons, but seriously? Will it always be winter? Can you identify?

Let me tell you a couple of things that ministered to me this week....both are wrapped up in my home group. I hope you have a home group (small group, cell group, family life group...whatever your church may call them). I don't know what we would do without ours.

1. I broke down and shared. Our church offers what we call "Immersion" every month for other churches to bring their pastors, staff, and leadership team to for training on being effective disciple makers. This particular week, our group had about ten extra people visiting who were all here from different areas on the Washington coast. They were all going through "Immersion" and had been sent to our group to get the feel for how we do small groups. I was late this particular night because I needed to pick up one of my kids from a friend's at the last minute. I walked into a group 2-3 times its normal size and full of people I didn't know. But when it came time to pray, I couldn't lie. I wasn't doing well. I humbled myself, broke down in front of everyone and confessed my sin of unbelief. The next day, I could literally feel the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ. My attitude and outlook felt completely different and God was speaking to me.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16

2. God spoke through the story of Mary. 

Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!"

 So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)

Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"

   "They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 "Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" 
      Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

 Jesus said to her, "Mary." 
      She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her. John 20:1-18

Picture this:

Mary feels that Jesus is gone. His followers have never caught on to the fact that he was really going to rise from the dead. She is already heartbroken when she's making her way to the tomb. When she gets there, she comes to the realization that he is REALLY GONE! He's just GONE!

She gets the disciples and they confirm that he isn't there. Mary is weeping in the garden and when Jesus approaches her to ask about her tears, she doesn't ever recognize Him. It could be that He looked different. It could have been that her eyes were so swollen that she couldn't see right. It may have been that she just couldn't make herself really look at the man who was talking to her. We don't really know. 

We do know that the moment that she recognized Him was when He spoke her name. She recognized His voice when He spoke her name. Do you think there was a special way He usually said her name? Did he say it with a little laugh, like "Silly Mary. I'm right here. Don't you see it is me?" I'm not sure, but there was some kind of familiarity there. Jesus and Mary had a relationship. 

I could identify with Mary this week because I've been looking for Jesus. I couldn't find Him. He had seemed to disappear. In my pain and grief, I didn't recognize that He was right there the whole time, but when He calls my name....Oh, man! When He gets my attention in the special way He knows to do with me (because we have a relationship), I can totally recognize Him. He called me to His Word, and He spoke to me through Mary's life.....and I realized that He never left at all. The whole time I thought He was gone, He was just working on fulfilling the promises He made....promises that, as Mary, I may not have even understood.

My week ended with hope because Jesus spoke. There are still many closed doors, but I can see that Jesus is really right there. He is always at work, even when I can't see it right away.

Have you heard Him speak your name, lately? How does He call you?