My Motherhood Journey (part 3)

If you'd like to read parts 1 and 2, click here.

I always had this super romanticized idea of what it would be like to be a mom. I was envisioning "Little House on the Prairie." I planned to make my own bread and sew my own clothes. I would do all the cooking and cleaning and love every minute of it. I would have baby after baby after baby and homeschool all of them. I would always be a stay at home mom. My husband would support us financially, and I would take care of the home.

It all sounded so wonderful in my head. The day finally came. Bill and I had been married about six months, and we were about four months pregnant. We were moving from North Idaho to Phoenix for Bill to start seminary. He had a job waiting for him as a chaplain of a children's home, and I was going to stay home and begin my "Little House on the Prairie" dream...in Phoenix. As I was leaving my job, I told my co-workers that I felt like I was graduating and finally starting the career of my dreams.

There was a small gap, however, between my dreams and reality. Though I envisioned my Caroline Ingalls lifestyle, I was far from Caroline Ingalls. The truth was, I was a very strong-willed, independent, twenty-three year old who was used to having my own income, my own car, and a very busy lifestyle. Truth was, I was a workaholic, and strongly relied on the fulfillment I got from all the things I accomplished.

At first it was all exciting. Bill was getting used to seminary classes and a new job. I was busy setting up our new apartment and making a home. But soon reality set in. I was home alone. all. the. time....in a city of 2 million people I didn't know. We had gone to one car, which Bill needed to get to work and class.  You can only spend so many hours cleaning a 600 square foot apartment. You can only cook so much food for two people. I found myself watching much more "Little House" than living it.

I don't know how Bill survived that year. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I didn't. I was having a huge identity crisis. Gone were the days of a church congregation and fellow staff members giving me kudos for my work performance. No one was depending on me to organize any events. I didn't have girlfriends to go to lunch with or meetings to be at.

I didn't know who I was.

My identity had been wrapped up in the things I did...and that would become an even greater problem in my walk with God.

What about you? Did you face an identity crisis when you became a mom? I'd love to hear from you!